Im writing this quick....

I don't wish to dwell to deeply for too long. Free flowing whatever comes to mind first, in this moment will mark as my truest feelings and thoughts.

2019 was a roller coaster that I somewhat enjoyed. I started a new job working as a producer and I was living on my own free to be and create as I please. Working on set daily pulled me out of my comfort zone and made me realize as much as I love working behind the scenes I enjoy being on camera just as much. A year into my new title and Two days after my birthday I had come to find out I would be collecting my last check as the company I worked for lost start- up funding. Just as I felt I was on the brink of me feeling like I've come face to face with my Sex in the City Carrie Bradshaw moment. Reality hit hard that I would in a way have to humble myself by taking two steps back and finding whatever job I could. Thankfully it landed me in a position to be working at one of LA's top streetwear empire's. Initially, I was hard on myself for feeling unprepared for brass change but quickly my attitude started to shift realizing I now have more access to network and meet people whom I would have to regularly attend a mass amount of events and hope to only run into. Granted status isn't everything but I believe smooth interaction can make a way for vast change through the power of genuine help and belief. Needless to say although financially I felt hardships I've found my soul to be more enthused about how good or bad - change is apparent. During the midst of job mishap I manage to invest in more at-home studio equipment and now I'm about 85 % done with having my little production in my apartment.

Prior to this moment, at the top of the year I received news that my mother whom was battling a very rough hardship had finally had a break through and that my prayers were literally answered. I remember being so full of joy that day that I even told people who weren't aware of her trials and tribulations that she had overcome, only to receive news two days later that my bio dad was on life support and I because I'm the eldest of his children I would have to be the one to make the decision over whether he lives or not. Looking back I know this moment was a vital learning moment for my spirit and truly made me understand how pure my heart is. I felt so powerful and powerless in the same breath. I rushed to Vegas and remember being on the plane in tears to the point my neighboring flight passenger went out of the way to grab tissue for me and gave me a strong look of faith that everything would be okay. One of the flight attendants moved me to first class and escorted me to Uber pick up and I remember thanking god in that moment for his earthly angels, As I arrived to hospital I was a mess. I walked up to the third floor of ICU and was greeted by a doctor who told me my dad just went into surgery. The saddest part of my experience was realizing I walked right passed him as I was walking in but he was so frail and unrecognizable I didn't notice him. That week I sat in the hospital day and night fighting a flee of emotions. I was happy to see progress , I was concerned thinking about what would happen after he recovers, and I was sad to be reunited with my two younger sisters under such terrible circumstances, and lastly I was angry with my dad dealing with suppressed emotions of his absence and feeling upset that I would have to be the most responsible when truth be told I can count the amount of times he showed responsibility over me. A tough fucking pill to swallow but I made it through and faced my most inner turmoil dead in the face, no matter the pain I felt I don't wish death upon anyone and wanted to see him survive even if that meant I would have to learn to forgive and forget instantly in order to make the most logical decisions.

Since then I've noticed I work much harder to find my day to day happiness. I try to look at things in positive light and complain a lot less. That moment taught me how precious life is and it also taught me no matter how deep of dark times, no one truly wants to die alone. I want to live a life full of love and abundance and will make it my purpose to do just that.

Lastly in between attending a few festivals and catching my favorite artist perform. During the brink of fall season I had an opportunity to record vocals in one of my favorite artist's studios. It was one of those nights that I dreamt of experiencing all the whilst it made me feel like an episode of Californication, granted there wasn't much drugs, sex nor rock and roll but the chance to have the opportunity Is the exact reason people move here to chase their wildest dreams. I won't go into crazy details about this night but its one I will often cherish and share at another time. For now I will just say I'm most proud of my bravery that night and will use the moment as constant inspiration.

Moving forward.

Im most excited for love, honor, respect, loyalty, determination, success and faith that 2020 will have in store. Im claiming it early. I know exactly what I want and the type of soul I wish to be with while obtaining what I want and creating a life we can cherish. My intentions are very clear and I will not play any games about it. If you're reading this we're deserving of it. I will not let us fall short of forgetting so.

As always thanks for rocking with your girl another year.

Be happy. Be great.

Best, Ash