Been in a Weird Space…

I've been in a weird space. ANTI everyone, myself included.

3 weeks ago I learned of the passing of my grandfather... right before my yearly self reminder of " this year I'm going to send him a birthday card", In the digital world we live in sometimes the simplest of task such as finding a card, filling it with heartfelt words and adding a stamp to carry the msg through is overshadowed by day to day life amongst the social media scrolls and whatever else of a bullshit excuse I may have had.

Usually, I cope with death pretty well. I cry, I mourn and then I carry on - remembering at some point we all will die. Shit, sometimes I mourn over people and circumstances that are still living and existing. I was struggling trying to understand why this death was different than any other death I've experienced before. I guess the news made me have to check my reflection and face my own truths. One being I've had this very long goal of enrolling in dance classes and mastering techniques that I could showcase to my grandfather as a way of thanking him for his teachings. He's embedded the expression of dance in me from a very young age - he was a trained ballroom dancer and use to drag me along with him to his dance rehearsals that I would sometimes have to step in as his dance partner. A big piece of me wanted so desperately to show him this grand routine as a way of thanking him / make him proud. The aftermath of procrastination only left me to sit with my own emotions for weeks feeling like a piece of shit for not following through with taking a dance class as well as not sending a card.

although the past few weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotions, I've come to terms and have forgiven myself. I've found my joy realizing I've gained an angel and will be more mindful not to put things off, no matter how much of an elaborate scheme I have in mind - I will remember to tell ppl I love them more than I love them not.

My breakthrough in this whole ordeal was learning that my grandfathers' final wish was to have his body donated to science and his remains to be spread across the ocean. I smiled hard knowing even on his exit he still went out as a rebel and I hope I can embody that same type of energy and spirit.

To my friends, family, supporters. Thank you for dealing with all of my colorful moods. I love you.

Rest in Paradise Grandpa Lonnie. 10/31/45 - 10/7/18